Pride

This is really a big topic in my life. I admit it. And it still tries to sneak in at times. But I have the best Advisor and Helper at my side, so when the warning light goes on, I know I have to stop doing what I am doing and deal with it right away. I received my first big lesson on pride just before leaving for Harvest School of Missions in Africa. When I first heard Heidi Baker speaking, I had my doubts. But there was this IF growing inside of me, telling me, that if what she says is real, it would completely change my view of God, of Christianity, of everything! And I knew I have to find out the answer for myself, whether you can experience Jesus so intimately, whether it is possible to have such a close relationship with the Father God and the Holy Spirit. Well, I decided right there to go to Mozambique and find out for myself.

About two years later everything seemed to line up perfectly to make this possible. After working 3 years in Germany I finally met all the requirements to be allowed to do my medical specialist exam, my job contract was running out and I felt it is time for a new job anyway. Such a perfect opportunity to take some time off and do the school in Africa! So I worked until the end of June, applied for the school and the exam. And then funny things started happening. The Mozambican government didn´t give us visa for the whole stay (10 weeks), just for one month, so the staff was working really hard to find a place for us to stay in South Africa. It got so intense, that we were receiving emails on daily basis with new information, not sure if the school would take place at all. About 100 students gave up and cancelled their registration. One day my best friend, who applied for the school as well, called me and first thing she told me was: „Judy, the worst thing happened!” I thought immediately: Oh no, the school was cancelled!! But she continued and said: „We will be camping in tents for the first three weeks of our stay!!” I know she hates it, but I was so glad, and I remember telling her, that if the staff is having such a hard time and they are not giving up, neither are we! When the devil is trying so hard to keep us away from this, then surely there is a tremendous blessing waiting for us!  Good friends were telling us to consider to cancel the school because of too many obstacles raising up. At the same time there was an Ebola outbreak in West Africa, so no matter how hard I tried to explain to my family that we will be in a different part of the continent, all they could hear was Ebola.. Anyway I concentrated on the preparations, the question of the day was, how do I pack everything needed for 10 weeks into just one suitcase? Including tent, sleeping bag, warm blanket and medical supplies? I don´t know how, but it worked out quite well.

In between I was trying to study for my medical exam, but that somehow became secondary. The exam was scheduled for beginning of September, the school was starting at the end of September. By all of my colleagues was the date of exam postponed for at least one month later. I was the only one who got the date I wanted! And then fear started to come in and telling me: You didn´t study hard enough. You were too busy with your Africa stuff, that is so irresponsible! You invested the last 8 years of your life into this!”  I started believing it, until I heard His Voice telling me: „There is no fear in Love. But perfect Love drives out fear.“ (1. John 4:18) Hearing this I realised how silly I was acting, rebuked the fear and received the perfect Peace. The exam went extremely well, was asked really practical questions and at the end we even had a good laugh with the examiners! Thank You, Jesus!

Now I could fully concentrate on Africa. I still didn´t have my Mozambican visa, my passport was now more than 2 weeks in Berlin. I was calling the embassy every day, tried to be super nice, at other times more strict, but nothing really worked. I couldn´t pick it up personally, I couldn´t do anything! Two days before my flight I still didn´t have my passport! And that broke me completely. Lord, didn´t You notice how hard I have worked? How much I have invested into this? Did I misunderstand You? Did I hear Your Voice clearly at the first place?    

And then it hit me! It´s my PRIDE! I was so proud of what I have already achieved, proud of my life, of my commitment. Lord, please forgive me, I am sorry, sorry for being so proud, so arrogant. Apart from  You I can do nothing! (John 15:5) You are the Author of my life, of my destiny, Leader of all my paths. As I was crying this out in my living room, repenting, asking Him to make a way, I knew something important was happening inside my heart. Something I will remember for the rest of my life. And that I will be reminded of this moment of surrender many times throughout my life. In His neverending Mercy He started to deal with my issues even before I left for Africa, where I was expecting my life-changing experience to take place.

That afternoon a postman came with an envelope.. and I guess he was bit shocked by my reaction, as I hugged him, thanked him and jumped around completely overwhelmed. The Lord in the One, who has my passport with visas, He sends me out to new places, new countries, He is assigning me new tasks, He opens the doors, He always has the last Word.

It was such a precious lesson to learn. Arriving at the airport I exhaled deeply, thinking now everything will go smoothly, until I found out, that our plane was overbooked and I did not in.. But that´s a different story...