Revelation of His Love

It just didn´t make any sense. The Bible says: All things work together for good for those who love God, who have been called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28, NIV). But I just couldn´t understand, Lord, how could our dad´s suicide work for anything good in our lives?? At that time I was 22years old, my both sisters 20. How can that work for good??  If I could, I would simply renounce God´s existence and I would somehow move on with my life without Him. But by then, I knew Him well enough to be able to say that, and what was even worse, I knew He could have easily healed my dad. I believed, that with just one Word He could.. But He didn´t..

So my question was, what do I do with my God now? I can´t tell He is not real, and I can´t tell He is not almighty and sovereign. So I decided to tell Him to leave me alone. This rebellion lasted for about two years.  In this time I found myself  ´secretly´ praying to Him, occasionally even reading my Bible and later it became clear, that I was missing the relationship with Him. But at that time I was missing my earthly father much more. One evening the longing to be with my dad became so strong, that as I sat in the open window of our student house, I was desperately trying to solve one question. If I would jump right now, would I be able to at least see him briefly??  All I could feel was numbness and strange peace.

All of a sudden right before my eyes I saw a huge palm and myself sitting in the middle of it, screaming and kicking around like a spoiled child. And from above came the most beautiful Voice I have ever heard, saying: I am still waiting for you.  In those words was pure Love, Passion and Patience, no trace of condemnation, no trace of remorse.

That was the end of discussion! I wept before the Lord, repeating I´m sorry, I´m sorry, I´m sorry… After all I´ve done, after all I´ve said, You are still holding me, You are still taking care of me, You are still waiting for me and now You are even talking to me?? Who am I, Lord? I am so sorry for saying all those horrible things to You, I am sorry for being rebellious, I am sorry for ignoring You, I am sorry, I am sorry…  Lord, I have missed You and I need to be with You, talk to You more than anything else. Even if I don´t understand why this happened, I choose You, there is no better place than in the palm of Your hand. Daddy God, just let me be there for the rest of my life and I´ll be fine.